When, as an abuse survivor is it ok to be angry? It’s a question I have been asking myself many times over the last few days while the Michael Jackson allegations topic rages online & in the media.
WARNING: This post deals with details of alleged abuse of a sexual nature and may be distressing for some readers.
Those who are defending Michael Jackson & those who even don’t defend him but are defending his music seem to feel right in their rage & anger towards those who voice the opinion that perhaps we should consider that who the person was behind the music matters in whether we should support the music. As I read the comments online in this debate I’m horrified by the inequality in how those on the survivors side, of any abuse, are treated when they voice their opinion. Unsurprisingly there is much hate yet surprisingly the majority of it is directed towards those who are survivors or taking a stand with the survivors. What message is that sending to both the abusers & the survivors?
The message to me, a survivor of abuse, meant I found myself toning down the way I speak on the topic of abuse & especially of my own experience, Keeping it palatable not for me but for everyone else. I keep the anger buried & have to talk only of ‘facts’, which all too often in abuse are way to nuanced to be able to convey the reality of what happens in these situations. The accused & the ones who have often never experienced; or know of someone who has experienced abuse are left the only ones allowed to speak in what is seems like “righteous anger”. Yet for the victims to be heard there must be no trace of anger…. So my question remains when do the victims get to be angry?
In early 2018 it was revealed by the WA Police that WA has the highest rate of sexual assault in Australia. 53% higher than in NSW! And that is only in people over 18. Australia wide statistic show that at least 1 in 5 women and 1 in 20 men have been/will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. There are too many of us survivors who have voices that deserve to be heard to allow the majority of the voices in this debate to not be them.
This is the first time I have written about my own experiences, of being groomed first & then abused as a child, something I have only had the courage to start speaking about, even to family & friends, over the last few years. As terrifying as it is I can’t stay silent as I see more and more victims come forward, as they have courage or as they start to realise what happened wasn’t OK as they had been groomed to think it was, and in turn having their voices, silenced in the debate on the topic of abuse.
Their voices… Our voices! The voices that should matter not only don’t matter much they are snuffed out completely by the angry voices, who are not expressing anger for our abusers but at us for disrupting a world view that fame, power or talent matter more than the person who wields it.
As a survivor I’m angry! I’m angry at what happened & who did it to me, I’m angry that I feel guilty when that trauma does affect me & I have to ask for understanding from friends, family & co-workers but mostly I’m angry that I don’t get to be angry that I have to bury that anger to get people to listen to my opinion. I don’t need the anger to define me or to always reside in me but damn it let us be angry sometimes because what happened and the constant societal dismissal of it deserves a little bit of anger! Let’s get angry together & start to tear down the walls that keep people who do this protected. Because when we can do that the conversation can finally turn allowing survivors to be heard bringing with it hope, healing & prevention.
If we as a society can stop sweeping these issues under the rug or excuse them away we start to change the culture of what is acceptable. We will then be able to move onto celebrating those who are truly working at being the best they can be instead of defending those who haven’t even tried to better themselves. None of us are perfect but let’s give the airtime in our lives, media & online to those who have the respect for us to work to deserve it!
If this post has brought up any issues for you and you need someone to discuss things with, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.